I’m not a big crier. If I cry it’s from laughter, a tear-jerker movie or book, or because someone died. I never really cry over myself or my emotions. I probably did when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older I think I’ve directed more of that particular emotional energy towards writing or have gotten angry instead (not the best outlet, I know).
Since I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, I’ve cried twice, and neither were directly related to the cancer.
I got into a car accident in July of 2015, I was deemed to be the one at fault, and in October of last year, I was served with two law suits by the other two people in the accident. It has since been resolved by my insurance, and I only had a few days of panic before I spoke with my insurance company and they said they’d take care of it, but that moment that I opened the envelope and saw what it was, I was like, really? I had apparently reached a breaking point because I cried.
The second time was today. I had my follow up with the surgeons. Nothing huge to report, except for me apparently. If I gain any more weight, I won’t be able to have the surgery. Super. I tried really hard to lose weight since my last appointment. I exercised, ate better, tracked what I did and ate so I could really see the difference…then I got sick with bronchitis and couldn’t do much for about a week and a half, so despite the fact that I’d lost about eight pounds those first two weeks, I didn’t lose anything the weeks following, and in fact gained some back. I’d gotten into the routine of yoga, biking and walking, then had to quit because I couldn’t breathe, and haven’t picked it back up enough to make a difference.
So here I am. Feeling totally and completely sorry about myself (not for myself, since I’ve done this to myself). I feel like a failure, which I definitely don’t like. I expect more from myself and hold myself to high standards, and while I know my weight has always been an issue, it hasn’t exactly been a major, in-your-face problem, until today. That was a hard pill to swallow, and I had several moments of self-pity over it.
I’ve joined a healthy challenge group led by someone I respect and admire, so I’m hoping to learn some things so I can make significant changes in the next month. I can do it, I know that I can, I just need to really focus. I need to exercise and to not quit. I need accountability. Hopefully I’ll get all that from this group I’ve joined.