I put on a brave face and a smile 90% of the time. Then there’s that 10% of time when I perseverate on everything that has ever gone wrong in my life. I’m not alone in this, I’m sure. I think everyone has one of those days when everything sucks and they just want to crawl back into bed and stay there.
Today is that day for me. I felt it coming on yesterday, but couldn’t do much about it. I tried to exercise it off, but that didn’t help. Now I’m going to try to write it out.
Before Brad and I got married, we talked about wanting to have lots of kids. We both have a few siblings and we wanted our kids to have siblings, too. Unfortunately for us, we struggled with infertility. We found the bright side, though. We saw it as a sign that we were meant to adopt kids. We’d enjoy just being us for a few years (and we did enjoy it!) and then we’d look into adoption. But that was still a huge emotional hit. The one thing we wanted and planned for was crushed, no matter the silver lining.
Life was good, but for whatever reason, we kept taking hits. All three of our cats passed within a year of each other from unrelated illnesses. Loco, Buster, then Phantom. It was horrible. We were so sad. We reasoned it out because they were older and it was “their time,” but that didn’t take the suck out of it. With each passing fur-kid, we said “we still have X,” and so on.
Then I got cancer. I mean seriously, who did we piss off? I don’t really think I need to expand on that, this blog has said enough.
I took a step back from work because I was so sick and then I had my surgeries, and we took a huge financial hit. Our savings account was empty and we couldn’t find any assistance. We couldn’t self-sustain any longer. We had to move out of our home and in with my parents. We were lucky to have that opportunity, but imagine being 36 and having to move in with your parents. Also, imagine losing almost all of your autonomy while you’re at it?
The hits just keep on coming. 2019 started off with a bang by us losing Daisy. It was horrible. It still is. Every day it sucks a little more, but we’re managing. We still see her everywhere, look for her everywhere. It sucks.
Brad and I have talked about this and, some days, it feels like we have lost everything. These have been some of the worst years of our lives. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had good times…we’ve been blessed by so many things…(I’m alive, yay!!)…but things have also sucked a lot.
So I’m not having a good day.
And that’s OK.
We’re getting ready for a new beginning.