Conflicted

I’ve been lucky. I’m going into 2019 cancer-free. I have friends who are not as lucky. There are many people who aren’t as lucky. It’s just one of my motivations for joining the Relay For Life.

Around this time of year, we often think about resolutions. We think about what we want for ourselves in the new year, and what we don’t want.

I may sound like a kindergartner here, but it’s my blog so I really don’t care (point proven). And, for the record, kudos to kindergarteners for being transparent about their feelings. More people should do that and then maybe our world wouldn’t be so messed up and dishonest. Back to my stuff…

Things I tend to carry with me year to year are … wait for it … grudges. It’s not like I sit around festering about things, but when I see someone I have a grudge against, or hear their name, I’m always reminded of whatever they did to piss me off in the first place, and for that moment, I get pissed at them all over again. I’m not necessarily “present mad” at the person, but it reminds me of the “past mad,” and I do get a little “present mad.” This may seem petty, but it’s no joke! There’s someone who got on my shit list more than 10 years ago, and that “past mad” still makes me “present mad.” Granted, that person consistently does things to piss me off, so they’re forever renewing their spot on my list, but still… The same actually goes for when people hurt my feelings and make me sad. I never forget it.

So this year, with all the good I have going in my life, I’ve been speculating this. On one hand, I wonder if I need to remove these people from my life completely. Why keep people in my life who make me unhappy? On the other hand, I wonder if I should just let it all go. Can I just put all the grudges in little bubbles and let them float away? Or write them all down and set them on fire?? Ha. I wish I was kidding. It’s something that’s been heavy on my mind.

Either way, I want to go into 2019 without these burdens. I want to be the best me, and carrying old grudges (and making new ones) isn’t a productive use of my time. So what do I do?

There is no easy answer, but over the next few weeks I am going to try to let go of the things I can’t control. I’m always telling Brad to do that. When he’s upset about something someone did, I tell him he can’t control other people and their outcomes, so he shouldn’t let it bother him. He shouldn’t let someone else ruin his day in that way. I tell him to put it in a balloon and let it float away. Apparently, I don’t practice what I preach.

But I am going to try. I’m going to try to let go of my grudges. If for nothing else than to be a big “screw you” to any of those people who may have been enjoying getting a negative reaction from me. They’re either not going to get it, or they’ll get the opposite of what they’re looking for. Some people are just like that. They’re sour, rotten, and miserable in their own lives so they find ways to negatively affect someone else so that someone else feels as miserable as they do. Then they hide behind their confidences when they’re not really that confident at all. It’s a shame.

Anyway…I’ll be working on this cleansing of sorts. I’ll share whatever I choose to do and whether it works. I really want to go into 2019 with my mind being as healthy as my body.

And sleep…sleep would be great.

A lot to be thankful for…

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you get stuffed, and I mean that in the best way. ❤

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

First of all, I can take full advantage of the holidays because I don’t have to worry about the side effects of chemo leaving me feeling like garbage. I managed to skip a week of chemo at Thanksgiving so I could enjoy that holiday with my family, but later, my sick week fell right across the week of Christmas. It was lovely.

Of course, I’m also thankful that I’m healthy and cancer free. I’m no longer pissed at my body for getting cancer, but thankful that it kicked cancer’s ass and that I was healthy enough to undergo and recover from the surgeries necessary to make me better. Yes, I may still have one surgical drain left, but I can live with that. Key word: live.

I’m thankful for my family and friends. They’ve been really amazing and supportive throughout this experience and knowing I had that safety net made my mental health a lot better than it could have been.

Same with my medical team. I never felt like I had to worry, that’s some serious confidence right there. I’m thankful I could have that support.

While I’m thankful for a lot of other stuff, I feel like it’s important to add that I’m thankful for all the things I ever took for granted while being “normal.” You don’t know until you’re limited in some way how easy you once had it. So I guess I’m thankful for that perspective. I’m thankful I can brush off the petty little things that may have bothered me before and worry about the real stuff. You know? Because, quite honestly, there isn’t all that much “real stuff.”

Granted, this isn’t true for everyone and everything, but it sure makes me roll my eyes a lot more often. Ha.